Nigella Lawson Strangled - Domestic Violence

I saw the pictures today of Nigella Lawson being strangled and to be honest it bought back memories for me and made me feel quite emotional. The pictures that where released involved her husband Charles Saatchi with his hand around her neck, over her mouth and pinching her nose. His response to this attack was:  

"About a week ago, we were sitting outside a restaurant having an intense debate about the children, and I held Nigella's neck repeatedly while attempting to emphasize my point. There was no grip, it was a playful tiff. The pictures are horrific but give a far more drastic and violent impression of what took place. Nigella's tears were because we both hate arguing, not because she had been hurt," he added. "We had made up by the time we were home. The paparazzi were congregated outside our house after the story broke yesterday morning, so I told Nigella to take the kids off till the dust settled."

As a woman who has experienced domestic violence herself, these manipulations of the blatant truth is all too familiar to me. The nature of domestic violence is that it is done usually in the secrecy of the home surrounded by isolation so that the person committing the crime can manipulate the victim into believing it was their fault as they provoked them to act in that manner. Sometimes like in Rihanna and Nigella's case, an incident may occur in public once it has likely happened often behind closed doors. In addition to this, the person who commits domestic violence is often a very damaged person who needs to erode the confidence of the victim to have ultimate control. 

Now let's look as Charles' rationalisations of it being a 'playful tiff'; I would argue that it is possible it was to him! He was the one playing with her, whilst she was obviously emotional, fearful and upset that this event occurred. And his statement of there was 'no grip', justifies somehow your hands around her neck to emphasise the point? Hmm, I think not! And then having his hand over her mouth and pinching her nose is not only humiliating but disrespectful on a very basic, human level. Lastly them making up by the time they were home is exactly what domestic violence is all about… a continuous cycle of abuse, and then making up and pretending it never happened, until next time it happens.

I have no doubt that Nigella is experiencing domestic violence in her household, and so this article is not to share in the latest tabloid gossip but to discuss an issue which leads to two women dying every week. With domestic violence, victims often have low self-esteem whilst still in the relationship, as well as a skewed view of the actual truth. If they believed the truth, that they are valuable and no one deserves to treat them in a certain way, then they would find this type of behaviour utterly unacceptable. Unfortunately, it takes a lot of outside support and inner confidence to finally believe you are not "stupid, useless, ugly etc" And yes, I was repeatedly told all of these put downs and unfortunately believed them at one point in my life also. 

But back to Nigella, the parts of this story which resonate with me most involve the events after the incident, which included Nigella placing her hand on his left wrist and kissing his right cheek in attempts to pacify his anger. To her this is a normal incident that would easily have happened at home many times and it is just unfortunate it is in public instead of at home this time. The victim of domestic violence would often have ways of diffusing the situation as they will intimately know the consequences of the angry partner if the situation is not diffused quickly. They end up becoming a natural at this, even though in some situations the partner cannot be diffused at all but still attempts are futilely made.

Nigella's husband then walks off, which I also experienced many times in the destructive relationship I was in. It is a form of punishment when it happens repeatedly by the person in control. Silence in another form of punishment also, as is telling the person to leave the martial home in malicious, spiteful way. I am not saying anger doesn't happen or that arguments don't happen between couples where one might walk off suddenly, or move out for a while, but the different between that and domestic violence is the intense, one-sided control and the continuous fear of the person in control. From the many women I have spoken to who have experience domestic violence, they always say the emotional abuse was, almost always, much worse than the physical abuse. It takes a lot longer usually to heal from that aspect of abuse and for you to ultimately love yourself when you have absorbed all these manipulative attempts daily that makes you feel worthless. 

Charles Saatchi would also act in further controlling ways of punishment by rejecting Nigella's food. It may seem trivial but really he is aiming at her self-esteem in an attempt to erode her confidence in her abilities of what she is most known for. He says in an interview that he prefers nursery food such as eggs and beans on toast. She said of him, "Charles doesn't really like proper food. He prefers a bowl of cereal" You are married to Nigella Lawson, why else would you do that?! I have had experiences of this type of rejection of food linked to controlling behaviour. I remember one incident where I was home alone so I decided to do some blueberry pancakes for my partner. When my partner arrived home, he actually got very angry at me for not telling him I was going to make this in advance, for not passing the recipe by him and for using a pan which apparently I was not allowed to use (news to me) and hence stopped speaking to me. I did eat those blueberry pancakes on my own, and although they were very delicious, I could not enjoy them at all. 

Men or women who exert this level of control have been, very likely, in situations were they had no control over negative events that have traumatised them. They either consciously or subconsciously decide that this will never happen again to them and try to control every aspect of intimate relationships, which is the place they feel most vulnerable. In a way, I sympathise with these people as they are hurting too, but on no level do I give them an excuse for what they do. Everyone has the power to change and transform their lives and to not repeat the mistakes of the past. As for the women and men who are victims of domestic violence, they are anything but weak to put up with this type of behaviour on a daily basis and still be able to function and put on a confident exterior to 'protect' their partner. They are caring and genuine people who need someone to say more good things to them than bad things, until they can start saying good things to themselves.