Writer's Rant Of Frustrations and Traumas

I write because that is my expression of self. A writer only writes to structure sentences out of the madness of words. It is a form of sanity within a crazy community of life. It is a counselling session with the only person listening possibly being behind another computer or curled up in bed about to fall asleep ...so they may not be listening at all, but still you continue to write. Like possession. Question is how much structure is too much structure, once the work flows out of you?

My creative process is first I talk to myself out loud to try to understand what I am trying to say clearly, before putting finger to computer type pad. The ideas are never formed fully until they come out of my mouth, then the words have the freedom to reject themselves or to commit themselves to a page. Whichever course of action it takes is fine with me as long as I am allowed to speak and write with an inhibited flow. Once I reach this point, I put the writing back into my mouth and chew a bit more until the work is easily digestible for others.

Then, at that point, it is advised by some to squeezed the work into a uniform worn by many, for it to be recognisable, in the form of traditional poetical structures.

Personally, the day I put my writing under rules and restrictions is the day I stop writing, I believe. The world already has so many rules and restrictions regarding social interaction, romantic relationships and expectations of the future, do I really want to put rules on my writing like a religious, non-personal text? Where does the freedom come from within these strict rules? People say try the strict rules first and then comment. I say it is like trying out marriage just so you are able to participate in the arguments.

It can be said that writing in itself is a set of grammatical rules. I would argue that the flexibility using the grammatical rules in manipulating your writing into something unique is where the beauty lies. It is like using table salt for an infinite number of recipes. Grammar, like salt makes things taste better, and that is enough to use it time and time again. If you told me I could only use MY salt for your YOUR limited recipes which you created a couple of centuries ago, you would ignite some hot sauce passion in me I'm afraid.

Let's go to science for a further explanation of my feelings. Grammar, to me, is like the elements in a periodic table. Metaphorically speaking, we want to create explosions with our unique words put together uniquely in poems. We want to use experimentation to achieve new magical compounds. Yes, there are rules in science which I highly respect but I am looking to break the rules to blow up the laboratory of a brain, not just observe others staring into a petri dish of one.

I understand that sonnets, haikus and limericks may be useful strategies to show-off your acceptance into an intellectual community, but in reality, life throws hard things at some people that is more intense that a page poem that is edited to death, could ever be. For some people, performance poetry is not about recognition, it is about getting yourself from trauma to practically functional.

I would say trauma affects an individual on many levels, maybe even far in the future, when your memory has forgotten about a grievance but your soul and body hasn't. Person-centered counselling is where someone sits and discusses whatever comes into their mind with a counsellor to reflect your own words. The reasoning behind the therapy according to Carl Rogers, is we, as humans have all the foundations within ourselves that we need for complete healing. What is so different between that and a free-write poem with the counsellor being an inert pen?

This is not about halting learning, most definitely not, in my opinion. It is about discovering voice, which is a lot rarer but consequently comes from all that you have learnt. An opinion of learning the rules of poetry just to break the rules of poetry, is like building a house only to knock it down again. Why not just work on building the perfect house that you want in the first place? It seems to me you would get a much more fulfilling product in a shorter space of time.

Once you know what you want, the road is a lot shorter. I have learnt.

I feel the art of writing, like business, cooking and science, needs innovation and discovery alongside the tried and tested methods. You are likely to fail at times, but you also have the ability to create a piece that is so unique and explosive when you choose to throw out the textbook, that it may just be worth being labelled a rebel. Where would we be without innovation? Definitely not with iPhone in hand writing all those beautiful sonnets.

It was exceptionally flattering a few weeks ago being recognised by a women at a party for a performance, but interesting not by name (or my big hair) but by my the outfit and the poem's content. I would say it was refreshing actually for labels like my name not to matter but the performance to shine for it's own merit. I wonder if one day we could do the same regarding poems. Instead of the esteemed title of the established, traditional structure that makes the poem so brilliant, it will be the content and how it is was dressed up in an outfit of modern mixed prints, where you do a double turn walking down the street, but somehow it really works regardless of structure. It's just so you. And no one else can rock that look.

Like I said, I have the utmost respect for those who think very differently to me on this subject, yet I also have respect for my own feelings regarding this matter too.

Snowstorms, Delayed Flights and T-shirts

Currently I am delayed. I am in Brooklyn, stuck in a snow storm. My flight out of the USA has been delayed for two days. It is not the end of the world. It is also not the end of my trip, it seems.

I am doing a bit of reflection today with the New Year coming in and everything, thinking about life. How things can happen that are out of your control that disappoint you that lead to circumstances that amaze you. For example, this Nottingham Roosevelt Travelling Scholarship, if I was a woman who had not experience domestic violence then I would not be on this scholarship researching domestic violence and the role of creativity. 

It makes you think maybe you should be grateful for the tough things that happen in your life because it is quite possible, it is shaping your character for tomorrow. If you become an eternal student, the lessons come along and that may just include bad weather for a season. 

From the women, I have spoken to who have experienced domestic violence and didn't returned to their partner, I found there was some form of finding your voice that occurred after being silenced for a long time. 

The arts were crucial in this process as it allowed the women to get to the core of what she was feeling and then express their pent up frustration, anger and disappointments that so often come with a partner being emotionally or physically violent. It was more than the process of releasing through tears or talking, but the process of creation that was most empowering to these women. 

Instead of tearing down an old house with nothing in place of it, these women were able to build a brand new house that they no longer had to escape, but to find safety in at last. They found themselves.

The arts, which involved forms of communication like poetry, song-writing, drawing, painting and film really had a two benefits; first to empower the woman that created the art for her to know she did not go through this traumatic event in vain, and then to communicate to other women the realities of domestic violence to empower them also.

In America, there were many events that were held especially during the month of October in every state under National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. One of the most powerful set of events that I attended was the Clothesline Project which is a national attempt to unite women who have experienced domestic violence through T-shirts. The idea is for women to use their creativity to design a coloured T-shirt, a different colour for a different category of abuse as a "provocative, in-your-face, educational and healing tool" http://www.clotheslineproject.org/history.htm

I cried after seeing some of the T-shirts. 

I spoke to a domestic violence survivor who said that whilst she was with her partner she had to pass her outfit choice by him first before she went out, or he would not go outside with her. He would buy all of her clothes for her as a control tactic and then say she was very unstylish. She lacked confidence at the time and believed him. 

She described a process of healing that came to her by customising a top that she owned, once she had left. She said she knew he would be very mad if he knew what she was doing, and how empowering it was to know that he could no longer make everyday personal decisions for her, like how she looked. Now, she says she believes in herself more and more and continues to customise her clothes to create her own style as creative empowerment within her life. 

It can be the simplest things that means the most to these women once they decide to leave for good. If you can imagine their whole life is changing drastically and every step is a affirmative that they are now on the right path. Miss a step and they are likely to go back. For example, miss the important step of empowerment in domestic violence survivors and how can she believe she can live without him. 

“In youth, it was a way I had,

To do my best to please.

And change, with every passing lad

To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know

And do the things I do,

And if you do not like me so,

To hell, my love, with you.” 

― Dorothy Parker, The Complete Poems of Dorothy Parker

This project had a powerful effect on women, by helping them find their voice creatively the same way this scholarship has had a powerful effect upon me to create value from my experiences also. 

A Perfect Illustration Of American Creativity

America And It's Many Creations Of Art

So I have been spending time on my journey soaking in the atmosphere and looking around with eyes that find the uniqueness in everything that I see. A fresh pair of eyes for inspiration and creation of life from raw materials. 

I see art wherever I turn.

And as I stumble across a lot of art on my journey, my first question is... what is art?

I don't have an answer for that specifically. 

Modern art doesn't have an answer for that specifically. 

I will try and be non-specific then...

Art, in a non-specific way, is the essence of who we are and what we do. You are a piece of modern art, with your poetic word choices or the way you put your dinner on the canvas plate to make it visually appealing to appreciate it and eat. It is all art.

I take my art to the stage but there is not much distance between the stage and a business presentation where you present yourself to make an impression and effect an audience with a different perspective of subjective words, facts and figures. Public speaking. Confidence. Visual prompts. A smile. All art.

Or you can choose to express yourself in a place where all the suits come off, on the street. These artists are risk takers putting themselves 'out there' for the world to get inspiration. Whilst the world is walking down the street with their clothes as a canvas as inspirational food for the street art makers in a cycle of cause and effect.

Pick up a piece of curved wood and nylon and pluck it. Or if you lived before 1900, you'd have plucked the gut of a sheep or a goat to make melodic rules from sounds that float. Then creatively express that through symbols and lines so others can read and appreciate your art without your physical body to guide them. Sharing art through rules. Breaking artistic rules.

Or maybe one day someone created a pinhole through which the laws of physics determined would invert the image of an object unto a surface that would allow that image to be drawn. From this room size camera which would fit one or more people inside, to a hand size computer whose photographic memory is so powerful it can also tells us when to eat our lunch, orders it and then allows us to instantaneously upload that lunch to Instagram in a just few buttons.

What is art? It is science, it is engineering, it is choices, it is actions it is the silence in between, it is passion and expression to another person, or secretly for another person. 

It is patience, it is boldness, it is an investment and risk. It takes belief and faith; it is spiritual. 

It is your firstborn child. It is your love. 

Take centre stage, the audience is in silent anticipation.

But please when you walk daily towards some destination that you may not even be sure of, be sure that art is everywhere and can be expressed in anyway you choose, and interpreted in as many ways as words in our dictionary. The only certainty is the uncertainty of the journey, and the expression of self in the process.

 `

Live life and create art.

 I am in awe of artists, hence, I am in awe of you.

(Next post I will be discussing the role of art in domestic violence survivors...)

Boston: The City of Wonder And Orange Lights

One of the most beautiful things I have seen is the way the leaves become new by first becoming old. Boston, with it's marmalade leaves sitting upon it's historic trees of grandeur.

As matching trains whizz past to show off their new shiny paint jobs. There is not a thing out of place in the city of Boston. 

Not even this little fella...

The squirrels were as bold in their approach as their American co-inhabitants. 

An older gentleman enjoys the ride as a psychology Harvard professor talks to me on the the research done on women who have experienced domestic violence and how they often write and do poetry.

This house shows the charm of the city with it's symmetrical face and bright enthusiasm of a smile.

A friend smiles with the whole city in her eyes. I have no choice but to laugh along with her, whilst trying to catch a glimpse of what she sees.

As night falls we walk into a dreamland that is filled with words than hang from every tree and spell out mysteries of an electric night.

Turn a corner to a contradiction, where educated people read but don't understand. The city holds prestigious universities such as Harvard and Massachusetts Institute of Technology, with homelessness hidden underneath.

New England, the place where you wake up to a pot of steaming black tea and the street names are so familiar you almost feel like you might be back home... if you squint a bit.

First Impressions Of New York From Tornadoes to Government Shut Downs

After Virgin cocktails and movies on the flight I arrived feeling refreshed and reflective as I braved the strong winds of New York upon landing.

I was unaware of a tornado watch as an English girl, a tornado is not something I usually check for on my iPhone. Next time I'll know better. Luckily it was a warning which expired at 5pm that day. At 12pm the winds were fairly strong...

The traffic was very New York... not that I usually know what that is like but when you see the movies and there is some love-sick person who is trying to catch the love of their life in a taxi in non-moving traffic... it was like that but without the love interest and on a shuttle bus.

It was exciting to be in the hub of things. Like a super-sized London with wide streets and tall intimating buildings. The thoughts that came to my mind were grey with a tint of yellow cab.

With the government shut down, New York closed some of it's sights to me, including Statue of Liberty and national parks. I hope they re-open soonish, or I want a refund. 

I am a building structure freak, so I loved driving past these downtown apartments as I only imagined what it would be like to live there amongst the hustle and bustle.

The advertisements were blinding and flashy. The numerous TV adverts started to induce a headache but can be quite hilarious with one stating, "If you are not whitening, you are yellowing!" I better start whitening my teeth or stop smiling then. I also liked, "Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sexual activity."  Hmmm, no comment.

The journey out of New York on the greyhound bus was pleasant. The people on the other hand I found to be very polite with 'Ma'am' and 'Sir' at the beginning of each sentence and sometimes leading me to question why they even bothered using this polite term at all with an aggressive, "Sir, where is this bus going?" To a lightning response of "Sir, don't tell me how to do my job!"

Like the weather in New York on that Monday afternoon, the passenger shouted, "Boy you're grumpy!" Everyone around me started giggling. I thought to myself even through only observations, I would have fun out here in the States.

Sacha Wise and Ingrid Mclaren Collaboration Say Sum Thin 5 At Nottingham Playhouse